Connie's Cancer Chronicles

August 30. Twenty four days until my surgery. Including today. I'm making a list of the things I need to do before my surgery: Take down the hammock chair-I sat in it maybe once all summer Take down the hammock-ditto the hammock Bring in the lawn furniture (maybe) - not sure how much Anne can really bring in And then there's the garden. Ah, the garden. September 21st will be too soon to "put it to bed" for the winter, but I don't know how mobile I'll be in early October, and it might just be too big a job for Anne. Oh, and I scheduled my pre-op exam: 9/12 at 2 PM. We're trying to find a time to go to Harvest Moon farm  with Gini and Bob. We might not be able to actually pick apples (Anne's knee, Gini's recent surgery and radiation) but we can at least buy some apples and eat lunch, maybe at 121 in South Salem . All of this makes me tired. I think I'll go take a nap!

"The waiting is the hardest part" Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers  sang in 1981. And boy were they right. The longer I wait, the more I remember my previous lumpectomy 20 years ago. With no radiation. And smaller. And the memories aren't great. And then I've been speaking with my sister, who has been down this road and is now having time to process it. And she's sad. I'm scared, mostly of the way that they locate the spot--with a needle. I remember that I nearly fainted last time, and this time I have both sides to live through. I'm not afraid of the surgery-I've had so much surgery (cysts removed when I was 17, ligament repair at 25, tonsillectomy at 30, lumpectomy in my late 40's, hand surgery five years ago to release a compressed ulnar nerve). The best part of surgery is they knock you out so you have no idea what's going on. I'm not crazy about the recovery. I have vivid memories of being in the hospital the summer I was 17...

Of course I had to Google it, and here's what I learned: " Around 400 B.C., Hippocrates is said to have named masses of cancerous cells  karkinos  — Greek for crab. Science and medical historian Howard Markel discusses a few hypotheses on why Hippocrates named the disease after a crab, and how well cancer was understood in the ancient world." From NPR's Science Diction: The Origin of the Word Cancer .

I had a bone density test this morning. When I registered I was given a "profile" form to complete. I was going along, happily checking "yes" and "no" until I came to a list of things you could have, and I had to check "cancer." And when the technician asked me if there had been any medical changes since my last bone density test, I said yes, I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. Saying it out loud makes it real. My sister Gini told me how hard it was to go to the "cancer center" every day for her treatments, and she posted that she was " processing the fact that the word cancer is part of my life now and forever." I now know exactly what she means.

So I've put together a list of ways to get ready: I had a massage this week. It felt so terrific that I think I'll do it again, and soon! I'm having a bone density test tomorrow morning; good to have a benchmark before the radiation beats the crap out of my bones. I'm doing yoga nearly just about every other morning. I'm practicing fiddle now because I'm pretty sure that I won't feel like playing with lumpectomies in both breasts 😞 I'm also trying to get to the gym three times a week; this week coming up I might actually make it, since Anne is driving (yay!!!) and can get herself to PT. And I'm doing a workshop with my colleague (and friend!) Holly all day Thursday. Since our vacation to visit Civil War battle sites has basically been shit-canned we're watching Civil War movies instead. I took Gettysburg out of the library. It's four and half hours long, and renting it from Netflix would only give us either twenty-four or...

So in addition to doing yoga, I'm trying to get to the gym three times a week. I say "trying" because, well, life is complicated. Anne can't drive yet, and this week we've got two PT appointments and one doctor's appointment. And then there's getting slides and CDs from Phelps in Sleepy Hollow to Dr. Cahan in Purchase. Oh, and throw in a few meetings, a CSA "meet the truck" pick up and a hair appointment and the week fills up quickly. I bought a series of 12 massages in April at Club Fit when my favorite massage therapist, Angela, was leaving.  I used one for my last massage with Angela and I have yet to schedule any massages. I find it hard to choose a new massage therapist. Angela was the third masseuse I used at Club Fit. So in 15 years I've had three massage therapists. Susan, Jennifer and Angela. All three left the club, for different reasons. Susan went into private practice and Jennifer and Angela moved away. Of course I know...

I am lucky to have some time to prepare, physically, emotionally and spiritually for the journey ahead. And being the "academic" that I am, I'm doing research and gathering resources. Thanks to my friend Kristine who directed me to Belleruth Naparstek, of Health Journeys. Her A Meditation to Help You with Radiation Therapy  is on the way to my home as I write this. I love Belleruth's voice; her A Meditation to Help You with Helpful Sleep  has put me to sleep (in a good way!) many, many nights. And then there's osteoporosis. Now my dear sister has osteoporosis of the spine. Is it connected to radiation? Maybe, maybe not. After all, we are in our 60's. I've been putting off my bone density test but I'll be making that appointment so I have one before I start radiation. What else? Yoga. I read this article in yesterday's New York Times: Chair Yoga for My Funny Bones which led me to this article: Yoga for Osteoporosis: A Pilot Study  by Dr Lo...

In a way I'm glad that my surgery isn't until September 22. I need time to process all of this. I know that I am not as calm as I think I am. I know this because during my evening meditation sessions the past two evenings my mind has been all over the place, more so than usual. Okay, so in the silver lining category: somewhere around the middle of June I stopped meditating in the evening. Actually, looking over my meditation journal at InsightTimer.Com  I see that I really stopped around Memorial Day. For most of this year, especially from January until the end of April, I have been meditating for ten minutes before bed. And then we got busy, things happened, and before you know it, during June I meditated once (once!) and not even once in July. Funny how you can get focused. I'm not about to be hanged, but this quote from Samuel Johnson came to mind:   “Depend upon it, sir, when a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.” Havi...

It's 7:30 in the morning, and Anne and I are sitting in the Outback in the parking lot of a huge medical complex in Purchase, NY. We're half an hour early for our appointment with Dr. Anthony Cahan, and we can't figure out where the main door to the building at 3010 Westchester Avenue is. Is this a metaphor for this entire journey, trying to find a way in? My sister, who was diagnosed with the same cancer in April that I was just diagnosed with, has said that it's weird going to the cancer center. Who wants to say that they have cancer? Probably no one. But then you find out how many women have had breast cancer, or at least one biopsy, or false positives. And that's just breast cancer. I've lost friends to pancreatic and colon cancer. That's what happens when you get older. Here I am at 69 years seven months of age (well, almost seven months) in perfect health except that I have breast cancer. That sentence would make me laugh except that it's not r...